Hands-Off Parenting

There comes a time in your children's lives when they have to learn the lessons the hard way. It sucks as a parent to have to witness this, to have to enforce it and to stand on the sidelines. But not doing so means that your son (in this specific case, I am sure J will have her own issues in time) will have to endure this same lesson several times before he "gets it."

A few weeks ago, N had to write a note to us about his behavior in science (showing the middle finger) and in before care (grabbing a friend's crotch). His teachers encouraged a consequence at home and they were doling out a consequence at school. At home, he was relegated to his room directly after homework, piano practice, and dinner for two nights. No interaction with us and his sister is difficult for my social child.

Yesterday, I had to Nathan to Kumon after school, then to scouts. Once home, I was going through his folder and found another note:

Dear Mom & Dad,
I was mean to J-M and said I was
licking his butt.
From,
Nathan

Nice, huh? There was a place for a parent to sign and date. I waited until N's father arrived home and we discussed it with Nathan. The consequence - again - was to be relegated to his room. Instead of two nights, it would be three nights. We decided that each time we receive a note like this, we will add a night. We had Nathan write an apology to his friend.

This is not fun. This part of parenting is hard. We want to spend time with him after school. We enjoy our child. He is funny and sweet (despite his tasteless words of yesterday). He has a super sense of humor. Warren and I wonder where he heard this. Well, we do not wonder, really, as we are rather sure who he heard it from. Yes, that same friend to whom he said it. This same child has been at our house multiple times and has said similar things. Does that make it right? Not at all. These are seven year old boys who think fart, butt, and funny noises out of your belly button are uproariously hilarious. On the playground they could say this and get away with it as long as no teacher was about. Is it okay? I am not sure. I remember many things as a child and thought they were funny and clammed up as soon as an adult's presence was known.

Do we teach him he has to be careful when he says this?
Do we teach him that it is not funny?
Do we teach him that even though his friend said this, that his saying it is not okay?
Do we teach him to avoid this friend because he seems to get in trouble a lot when they are together (and said friend seems to be very good at avoiding it)?
Are we (and the school) being unnecessarily hard on a seven year old?

Nathan's biggest problem with behavior is impulse control. We need to teach him to think before he acts or speaks. So, no, we probably are not overreacting. But this lesson is hard on us, too.