Hands-Off Parenting

There comes a time in your children's lives when they have to learn the lessons the hard way. It sucks as a parent to have to witness this, to have to enforce it and to stand on the sidelines. But not doing so means that your son (in this specific case, I am sure J will have her own issues in time) will have to endure this same lesson several times before he "gets it."

A few weeks ago, N had to write a note to us about his behavior in science (showing the middle finger) and in before care (grabbing a friend's crotch). His teachers encouraged a consequence at home and they were doling out a consequence at school. At home, he was relegated to his room directly after homework, piano practice, and dinner for two nights. No interaction with us and his sister is difficult for my social child.

Yesterday, I had to Nathan to Kumon after school, then to scouts. Once home, I was going through his folder and found another note:

Dear Mom & Dad,
I was mean to J-M and said I was
licking his butt.
From,
Nathan

Nice, huh? There was a place for a parent to sign and date. I waited until N's father arrived home and we discussed it with Nathan. The consequence - again - was to be relegated to his room. Instead of two nights, it would be three nights. We decided that each time we receive a note like this, we will add a night. We had Nathan write an apology to his friend.

This is not fun. This part of parenting is hard. We want to spend time with him after school. We enjoy our child. He is funny and sweet (despite his tasteless words of yesterday). He has a super sense of humor. Warren and I wonder where he heard this. Well, we do not wonder, really, as we are rather sure who he heard it from. Yes, that same friend to whom he said it. This same child has been at our house multiple times and has said similar things. Does that make it right? Not at all. These are seven year old boys who think fart, butt, and funny noises out of your belly button are uproariously hilarious. On the playground they could say this and get away with it as long as no teacher was about. Is it okay? I am not sure. I remember many things as a child and thought they were funny and clammed up as soon as an adult's presence was known.

Do we teach him he has to be careful when he says this?
Do we teach him that it is not funny?
Do we teach him that even though his friend said this, that his saying it is not okay?
Do we teach him to avoid this friend because he seems to get in trouble a lot when they are together (and said friend seems to be very good at avoiding it)?
Are we (and the school) being unnecessarily hard on a seven year old?

Nathan's biggest problem with behavior is impulse control. We need to teach him to think before he acts or speaks. So, no, we probably are not overreacting. But this lesson is hard on us, too.

Wordless Wednesday

This & That for the Long Weekend

Tulsa's weather has been crazy and humid. It has rained - hard - every night and the mornings are lovely until the sun starts baking the streets, making all the rain steamy and the relatively nice temps feel much worse than they seem. I made a mistake of not waking early enough to run before the family rose on Saturday and instead ran at 5 p.m. Three miles outside convinced me to head home and finish on the treadmill. ACK.

N has impetigo and a double ear infection. The child had not been to the doctor since March 2006. He is generally extremely healthy and happy, but when he lays around all day Monday, napping off / on, we know he is truly sick.

Jocelyn loves to go outside and blow bubbles or play in the dirt. She cracks me up.

Warren and I discovered the wonder of a mojito last year in Florida and made them yesterday. Refreshing and yummy. It's my summer drink of choice.

Good Things Tuesday

Nathan learned to tie his shoes yesterday, thanks to one of the teachers in after-care. Thank you so much, Mrs. W! He even tied his own shoes this morning. I worried that he would not be able to do it this morning, we were rushed and I slowed myself down enough to let him have the time to do it right. And he did. And it was faster than anticipated.

I had a good 6 mi run this morning and a nice, easy pace, each mile faster than the previous, but not a speed workout and not a tempo run. Tomorrow is hill repeats. Yuck.

My parents arrive today to take care of the kids while I join W in Cali for a holiday / celebrate 7 year anniversary. He is already there for a class. We will be in the area of where we were married and I am quite excited. I am a wee bit anxious about leaving the kids and my parents having sole responsibility, but they raised my brother and me and they are a bit older, but they are also more patient now than they were then. All should be good. Nathan is quite excited as he loves gpa's pancakes and the fact that my parents play games with him.

Now, if only Indiana and North Carolina end up on Obama's side, I would have the perfect day.

Just Another Manic Monday

The Bangles were oh so right, weren't they?

Thank you to everyone who has given me advice on plantar fasciitis. I have been stretching it, wearing shoes at most times (Heather, I wear my Keens like you wear Birks), and I am going to buy new shoes and the sock thing this week.

I ran a good 9 miler early Saturday morning and it was lovely. On the upside, I found someone to join me for my long runs this summer. She is N's school science teacher and I have seen her a few times at races, we have similar paces and similar goals, we are both moms of 2 kids, roughly similar ages and we live near each other. A perfect marriage! And, she offered! How great is that? Apparently, she has seen a recent race time of mine and she also has made a few comment to fellow teachers about a popular local race about 7 months ago. It's nice that someone noticed! And it's nice to know I am not the only one who checks out acquaintances finish times...

I just had a parent-teacher conference with two of N's teachers. While my child excels at math, he struggles in reading and appears to have a listening problem. Well, I knew about #3, but apparentely it hampers his learning ability. They recommended we check out a learning center that will test his cognitive learning ability and work with him to provide him the tools to help him. They did not believe ADHD was an issue as he has no trouble focusing on math.

And you know what? It just hit me. When his father takes N to school, he inevitably lets N have a doughnut and a cholocate milk. Not that too much sugar could harm a child's ability to process and learn, huh? Well... I may have ammunition for this to be the exception rather than the rule.

I did order N his first library card! An auspicious moment, no? I plan on enrolling him in the summer reading challenge to motivate him to read over the summer.

Standards of Behavior

Why is it that it seems that our children's behavior is a direct reflection of our ability to parent and hence, a dissertation on what sort of people we are as well? Is it because children are inherently good and only through exposure to poor role models - their parents - do they turn into hellions?

I am upset. I am upset with Nathan for hitting, kicking and calling his classmates names in after-care. I am upset with his teacher for telling me the day before a 5 day weekend. I am upset that today is the first day I have heard of his behavior problems in after when I pick him up from it every single weekday and look his teachers in the eye and ask them how he was. I am upset with myself for apparently not being a shining role model and for not being attentive enough to realize that he was having problems. Mostly, I am disappointed in myself.

When we have children, we have an idealized view of how we are going to raise our children. Enter the real world, the one filled with family, with other children who may or may not be good influences, the one filled with lowered expectations.

It is time to raise those expectations again. It is time to hold my child to a higher standard of behavior. It is time to hold myself to that same higher standard of behavior. It is time to realize that I must still play a very active role in my son's life and his choices. He is only six. He is not yet old enough to differentiate all things for himself. He still needs my guidance and love.

Power Rangers vs Marbles

Nathan asked for two things for Christmas: a Power Rangers playset and a marble run set. I had him cut pictures of various toys that he wanted and paste them to a large piece of paper and then he used this to write a letter to Santa. Even with all of this assistance, I could not tell which Power Rangers playset he wanted. The week leading up to Christmas, I searched every toy store in the Tulsa area to no avail. I could not find anything remotely close to what he had cut out and asked for. I have it on good word that he asked the mall Santa and the Utica Square Santa for this and for the marble run set.

Thank goodness I pulled one of them through. I had bought a marble set a year ago that was really cool, complete with gears, batteries and detailed instructions. The appropriate age shown was 8+. It was complicated and frustrating.

The one I bought this year is from Mindware. It rocks. Nathan has played with it every single day since Christmas. I am glad I had a second chance to buy this and it appears that Nathan fogot all about the Power Rangers playset that Santa did not bring.