Standards of Behavior
Why is it that it seems that our children's behavior is a direct reflection of our ability to parent and hence, a dissertation on what sort of people we are as well? Is it because children are inherently good and only through exposure to poor role models - their parents - do they turn into hellions?
I am upset. I am upset with Nathan for hitting, kicking and calling his classmates names in after-care. I am upset with his teacher for telling me the day before a 5 day weekend. I am upset that today is the first day I have heard of his behavior problems in after when I pick him up from it every single weekday and look his teachers in the eye and ask them how he was. I am upset with myself for apparently not being a shining role model and for not being attentive enough to realize that he was having problems. Mostly, I am disappointed in myself.
When we have children, we have an idealized view of how we are going to raise our children. Enter the real world, the one filled with family, with other children who may or may not be good influences, the one filled with lowered expectations.
It is time to raise those expectations again. It is time to hold my child to a higher standard of behavior. It is time to hold myself to that same higher standard of behavior. It is time to realize that I must still play a very active role in my son's life and his choices. He is only six. He is not yet old enough to differentiate all things for himself. He still needs my guidance and love.
I am upset. I am upset with Nathan for hitting, kicking and calling his classmates names in after-care. I am upset with his teacher for telling me the day before a 5 day weekend. I am upset that today is the first day I have heard of his behavior problems in after when I pick him up from it every single weekday and look his teachers in the eye and ask them how he was. I am upset with myself for apparently not being a shining role model and for not being attentive enough to realize that he was having problems. Mostly, I am disappointed in myself.
When we have children, we have an idealized view of how we are going to raise our children. Enter the real world, the one filled with family, with other children who may or may not be good influences, the one filled with lowered expectations.
It is time to raise those expectations again. It is time to hold my child to a higher standard of behavior. It is time to hold myself to that same higher standard of behavior. It is time to realize that I must still play a very active role in my son's life and his choices. He is only six. He is not yet old enough to differentiate all things for himself. He still needs my guidance and love.
9 Comments:
Tree, I think every parent struggles with this issue. I know that I do and I think I feel it more acutely because of the guilt I feel for sending KMan to daycare everyday. Guilt=Parent. It comes with the territory. Try not to be too hard on yourself for not noticing a problem. Chalk it up to knowing that you need to ask the teachers for more information.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Behavior issues are not always the parents' fault. I would be disturbed too about the teachers not bringing this to your attention before now. I hope the appropriate level of communication can be established between you two. Don't let this ruin your holiday weekend. HUGS.
I'm so with you, but I also think that you are being very, very hard on yourself. You can only address the situation if you are given the information to know that it's an issue. The after school teacher should have let you know what was going on if she wanted your help in addressing it.
I'll admit that there are times when I get pissed over behavioral issues with kids -- the kid who was throwing a truck at my kids while they were going down a slide as his mom chatted on her cell phone & the ones who were allowed to jingle their jingle bells for a full hour at a nice restaurant last weekend come to mind -- but in those situations the parents were present and should have intervened. I think the school needs to take some responsibility here based upon the failure to communicate with you as there is no doubt that you would have helped with the situation had you known what was happening.
And ditto on hoping that this doesn't ruin your weekend.
I agree with the others, you are being WAYYYYYYY hard on yourself. Yes, we are the examples that kids live by but there are sooooo many influences that also enter the equation.
I am also upset with you that this teacher chose today or all days to bring this up with you - basically flatten you with it - and not have told you there were concerns earlier. Totally inappropriate, and also not doing her share of the communication on her end., How are you supposed to address a problem if you don't know it exists.
I would ask for a meeting with the afterschool group and really dig into what actually is happening and also why. Maybe he isn't having enough time to play, maybe there is some tension with particular kids that needs to be addressed, etc etc. At least then you will have an understanding of where to start with N to work on the behaviors, and also go at them as a team - both her in after care and you at home.
BIG BIG BIG HUGS.
I'm jumping on the bandwagon too and saying please, stop beating yourself up. N is a very loving, intelligent, sweet boy. And just like we do, we all have bad days - and I suspect, with the upcoming holiday that all of the kids at school and aftercare have been a little off the hook. All it takes is ONE snarky teacher to blow things out of proportion to make you feel like the worst parent in the world...when in reality, it probably really isn't as bad as the teacher painted it.
I think we all do the best we can trying to raise them to be good kids and therefore good adults. I've had heartburn with MM's teacher this year over a comment she made to me about his inability to make eye contact with her during circle time...when I asked for suggestions, she kind of shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't have any. And I kind of had to remind myself - he's a boy, he's 6, and he's not hurting anyone.
Argh, I could go on and on. But just know this, I think if you sit down with N and have some really good dialogue with him about his behavior you will feel a lot better about things. He probably will too.
((((((((Hugs)))))))))
I'm with the other moms. The teacher should have told you sooner, I got into a fight with The Boy's SK teacher, over behaviour issues.A few years back.
As for behaviour, you know they learn things all over the place. We can only guide them towards it. Please don't blame yourself, and don't let it spoil your weekend.
Problem number one: Is it because children are inherently good and only through exposure to poor role models - their parents - do they turn into hellions?
this is just wrong. Who ever thinks this way should read "Lord of the Flies" and more importantly their Bible.
Thanks, y'all. I know in retrospect that I am a good role model for my child and that I can only serve to show him by example how to make good choices and reinforce those good choices he makes.
Lukie - you are right. Lord of Flies is a good analogy. Thanks.
Tree, no matter how much you try with your children they learn the less desirable behaviour from other sources. You can't shelter them from the behaviour of others. Children don't just learn their antics at home, they're exposed to it everywhere - all we can do is try to turn it around when it happens - which is exactly what you're doing with Nathan. Believe me, before he leaves home, he'll come home with a few more up his sleeve but all you can do is love, teach and support him the best you can. Sometimes I can't actually believe what things my kids do at times, but after the initial shock I have to weigh up the external factors that contributed to them behaving in the way they did.
The teacher was very indiscreet and inconsiderate with the timing of this so I can understand you being disappointed with the way it was handled.
I hope it didn't ruin Thanksgiving for you.
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