Juggling Act
I am frustrated. I am frustrated at myself for a variety of reason and with life in general for sending me curveballs that I am not fully equipped to manage to my satisfaction. These include the fact that I do not have full-time daycare for my baby girl; the situation that made my husband have to go to San Antonio every week for the past six months to take care of two projects; that I cannot work more than 6 hr/day right now; at being behind at work and not making up any ground; at crying at work because the VP-Operations chewed on my ass today for not having done my job.
I cried.
I hate it when I cry, but crying at work is even worse. I know it is just a venting of emotions. I knew I was going to let loose, so I went to the restroom to let it out. I had to get a grip as I had to interview a prospective employee within 10 minutes. The hardest part of it all is I knew he was going to do this today. And I half agree with him.
But.
Until a man has to take care of his own child(ren) and put them first so that his significant other can excel in his / her position, then I don't want to hear it. Until he has to take every child to the doctor, do all of drop off / pick up for school and daycare, shop for groceries, do all the laundry, feed my son breakfast and dinner and ensure that he has lunch and a snack and homework completed every day, pump his breasts every 3 hours for 15 minutes, and do all this while his spouse is working out of town, I do not want to hear it.
I am not sorry I am a mom. I am not sorry I put my children before my work. I am not sorry that I am doing everything I can so that my husband can do his job.
I know I have made all the "right" decisions, but it still sucks to not be doing my best at work. I know it. And to have it reaffirmed by someone else is hard to hear, especially when I know the only way to change that is to let something else slide. How on earth am I going to keep one more ball in the air for another month? Somehow, I will do it, if for no other reason than I don't want to cry at work again.
I cried.
I hate it when I cry, but crying at work is even worse. I know it is just a venting of emotions. I knew I was going to let loose, so I went to the restroom to let it out. I had to get a grip as I had to interview a prospective employee within 10 minutes. The hardest part of it all is I knew he was going to do this today. And I half agree with him.
But.
Until a man has to take care of his own child(ren) and put them first so that his significant other can excel in his / her position, then I don't want to hear it. Until he has to take every child to the doctor, do all of drop off / pick up for school and daycare, shop for groceries, do all the laundry, feed my son breakfast and dinner and ensure that he has lunch and a snack and homework completed every day, pump his breasts every 3 hours for 15 minutes, and do all this while his spouse is working out of town, I do not want to hear it.
I am not sorry I am a mom. I am not sorry I put my children before my work. I am not sorry that I am doing everything I can so that my husband can do his job.
I know I have made all the "right" decisions, but it still sucks to not be doing my best at work. I know it. And to have it reaffirmed by someone else is hard to hear, especially when I know the only way to change that is to let something else slide. How on earth am I going to keep one more ball in the air for another month? Somehow, I will do it, if for no other reason than I don't want to cry at work again.
9 Comments:
(((hugs))) T. This is going to sound trite, but you need to make sure you take some time to take care of yourself. It's amazing how much better everything else goes once I have taken just a few minutes to do some mommy maintenance.
So sorry T. There's only so much you can do. He gets that W is out of town and that this is part of the problem, right? What a jerk.
I hope things calm down.
Hang in there.
Big hugs, T!!!!!
I think we have all been in this situation and it sucks big time. i think you are amazing! And you are making the right decisions. You know you are.
I hate crying at work.
More hugs,
EJ
You're preaching to the choir, girl. Having just been through this myself with EPOD, it made me realize how little value men, especially men in our industry, put on women and their roles not only in the workplace but in society as well. I got to a point a few weeks ago where I knew I wasn't doing a particularly good job anywhere in my life, and had a good long cry about it.
Things have gotten better, but I know it's rough. Hang in there!
Big hugs.
Really. I know the whole, "don't sweat the small stuff" is cliche, but don't.
Could you have groceries delivered, or at least order ahead? Some do that, for a small fee, you can create your list online, and tell them when you want to pick it up.
House - hire someone or let it go. Not necessarily all to hell, but a few dust bunnies are ok. Mine are quite happy, in fact.
But really, you've got some big hugs coming from me. Don't beat yourself too much - I thing you're a phenomenal person and are doing a great job!
So sorry T, it is so hard to juggle and to have someone else point out that you aren't excelling at keeping what they think is the most important ball in the air hurts. I imagine that you get more done in the 6 hours you are at work than most people would do in 8.
I agree with the others, outsource what you can so you can focus on the most important-the kids, you, and W.
Hope the cry helped!
Your DaDa..yup do I ever know about what you went through. When both of my sister died, Mom's Mom and Dad died, our dog died within one year I was on the carpet for taking too much time off for funerals. I told the SOB (Chuck Schaub) that what goes around will come around and it did. I always put family first and it was always a subject of comment at annual evaluations. Did the VP do that becasue he was mad at W? And knew he could get away with it? Or does he have an ichy personality? Honey, it takes a lot not 'to wear your heart on your sleeve'.
That is so hard. Having an understanding boss would really make all the difference wouldn't it?! Good luck getting through this.
Just checking in...
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