Friendship Lost & Hopefully Found
I have a bunch of mommy friends I met on the internet over five years ago when I returned to work after having a baby. We all met on an open website and then migrated to a closed, invitation-only bulletin board. Nearly a year ago, I left that site for the sole reason that I was finding myself spending too much time on the board during work hours. It was a poor example to my employees, my work was suffering from it, and I could not resist the temptation during work hours.
I still think about each and every one of those ladies frequently and I still care what happens to their lives. I did not leave because of them. I left because I lacked the discipline to limit my time on the board.
Several of the women visit this blog and I visit their blogs to keep up with each other, we email privately off the board, etc. However, over time, I have lost touch with one or two of them. Recently, I have emailed one of them to see how things are in her life. I always connected with her because we were both a bit on the older side, our sons seemed to be very similar in nature, we shared many commonalities, as many of us did. But since I have reached out and not been contacted in return, I feel hurt. I feel snubbed.
Perhaps this is how she felt when I left. I hope not, but I cannot help but wonder if that might be the case. The blog world seems very ego-centric and I apologize for that. I felt that way when several friends started blogging and seemed to have less time for email or the board. But after having blogged for nearly 9 months, I have realized how nice it is to have a venue to put my thoughts. I like having feedback and I like knowing that my friends have visited me. It does not mean that I do not also want to converse with them. I do. The two methods of communication are different.
Another member of the board had spoken about the cycle of relationships. Maybe this is one of those cycles and if friendships can withstand this particular cycle, they will become stronger. If they do not survive, then we can mourn the relationship, but should move on.
The moving on part is hard. It's hard to accept that someone with whom you connected seems to no longer connect with you in return. So we reach out to them, hoping that they will respond in return. It's not a tit for tat, don't get me wrong, I do not keep a ledger on friendship. That is the problem with correspondence conducted via the written word - it lacks a tone of voice to and gestures to help tell you what the other person really feels.
So where do I go from here? I still hold out hope at this point that the relationship is one in which both of us are interested. However, when do you write it off?
I still think about each and every one of those ladies frequently and I still care what happens to their lives. I did not leave because of them. I left because I lacked the discipline to limit my time on the board.
Several of the women visit this blog and I visit their blogs to keep up with each other, we email privately off the board, etc. However, over time, I have lost touch with one or two of them. Recently, I have emailed one of them to see how things are in her life. I always connected with her because we were both a bit on the older side, our sons seemed to be very similar in nature, we shared many commonalities, as many of us did. But since I have reached out and not been contacted in return, I feel hurt. I feel snubbed.
Perhaps this is how she felt when I left. I hope not, but I cannot help but wonder if that might be the case. The blog world seems very ego-centric and I apologize for that. I felt that way when several friends started blogging and seemed to have less time for email or the board. But after having blogged for nearly 9 months, I have realized how nice it is to have a venue to put my thoughts. I like having feedback and I like knowing that my friends have visited me. It does not mean that I do not also want to converse with them. I do. The two methods of communication are different.
Another member of the board had spoken about the cycle of relationships. Maybe this is one of those cycles and if friendships can withstand this particular cycle, they will become stronger. If they do not survive, then we can mourn the relationship, but should move on.
The moving on part is hard. It's hard to accept that someone with whom you connected seems to no longer connect with you in return. So we reach out to them, hoping that they will respond in return. It's not a tit for tat, don't get me wrong, I do not keep a ledger on friendship. That is the problem with correspondence conducted via the written word - it lacks a tone of voice to and gestures to help tell you what the other person really feels.
So where do I go from here? I still hold out hope at this point that the relationship is one in which both of us are interested. However, when do you write it off?
6 Comments:
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Well, I think there could be a few things going on. First of all, I'd probably stick my neck out one more time in an e-mail just to make sure that the person actually got the first e-mail. You know how the e-mail gremlins are...
Honestly, though, I have found periods in my life when I have been so overwhelmed by everything going on that I just can't even cope with an e-mail. Perhaps your friend is going through something personally right now that is all-consuming and is just mentally incapable of responding to an e-mail right now. That's another thought.
And sometimes, just sometimes, I think friendships kind of run their course. Maybe there's no precipitating event like a fight, but it might just be that the person doesn't feel like they can relate anymore.
I'm just sorry that you feel hurt. I know it's hard, but try not to take it too personally because in all likelihood, it's not anything you've done but it's something the friend is going through.
((((((((hugs)))))))))
T, I second builder mama. ((((hugs)))) sweet lady.
I third Builder Mama. And honestly, her words have given me great perspective on a very similar situation that I have felt very hurt about. I will take her words and not feel hurt anymore. And hopefully it will work for you too. HUGS
christina
What a smart group of women. I think builder mama said it perfectly. I think it is worth that one more reach out, sometimes when I don't respond to something immediately I get swept away by life and I feel bad and then I don't respond because I am embarrassed by the amount of time thats gone by and then it feels odd to do anything about it.
Sorry your feelings are hurt. I think this is a rough time of year when we all want to pull people back to us.
T,
Hugs. I was just thinking about you and the board you speak of. I do miss you there but like you said, we have blogs and emails to keep in touch.
Builder mama said it best so I won't repeat that.
Just hugs and there are still so many of us that miss you and care about you a lot. We can't wait until we can meet up again! And, yet I know exactly how you feel as I have a few of those lost friends too.
Hugs!
EJ
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