Colorado Columbine

I grew up in Colorado. I went to college in Golden. I moved to Durango post-college and lived there for three solitary years, followed by 2.5 lonely years an hour south of there in Farmington, NM. While I spent 5.5 years nearly dateless except for a once every two month visit from my college boyfriend who was working for geotechnical company in Europe, I spent a lot of time by myself. I was lonely for a long time. I would work a good 10 hour day, come home and veg in front of the television in my rented 600 sf shoebox condo with the sliding glass door open. For a good one to one and half years, this is all I did. I wallowed in my self pity, grasped at every moment on the phone with my then-boyfriend and made occasional journeys to the 7 to 11 - not 7/11, but a smaller, dirtier version - to buy moon pies and beef jerky to eat while devouring my smut romance novels.

One day while living in Durango, I met a guy named Chris, who lived in the same town and who was an alumnus of the same college. Chris was introduced to me by my friend Eric, who was in the same fraternity as my college boyfriend. Chris talked me into hiking, backpacking and mountain biking. After all, I lived in the mecca of outdoor living. I was hooked. It changed my life. I started to go on hikes by myself on the weekends. I started to feel comfortable going somewhere by myself and not feeling like a loser of some kind because I was by myself. I started to rejoice in nature and in my own strength.

A couple years later while driving from Denver to Farmington after having spent Christmas with my parents in Denver and New Year's Eve with a fling in Tulsa, OK, I had an epiphany. I knew I was unhappy with being single and nearly dateless for as long as I had been. (the college boyfriend is a post for another day and has little to do with these ramblings) While accompanying Bonnie Raitt to all the songs on Nick of Time, I started mulling over the idea of taking control of my life. I vowed that I would move out of the blue collar natural gas town and further my career somehow by the end of the year. I also vowed that while I was doing that, I would experience as much of what the area had to offer as I could. I did just that. I had moved to Tulsa, OK (nothing to do with the fling) by September of that year and I had been in the mountains every single moment I could between making the vow and doing the deed, including a 10 day backpacking trip to Alaska with three friends.

I attribute spending 5.5 years by myself to having made me a strong, confident person. I like myself - in the "I am comfortable with who I am" way. I don't always like the body I inhabit, but I know that I am the one in control of that situation. It made me self reliant and accountable. Ultimately, I know that I am the person responsible for my own happiness and self worth. If there is something I do not like about my life or myself, I know that I am the person who can change it. I do not look toward someone else to fulfill my happiness. That is not to say that others do not impact my happiness, but the way they impact my happiness is entirely on me. If I could do anything for women and girls today, it would be that they should live by themselves for a period of time. Not necessarily as long as I did, but certainly for some time.